i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
