I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I need a burrito and a hug.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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