my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
