Im at strip club and am horny
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
