He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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