Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
