Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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