I can text with my tongue
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
