I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
