I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
