i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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