In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
