this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
