The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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