He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
