Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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