My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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