Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
