We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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