Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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