Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
