It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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