Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
