How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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