remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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