This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
