Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
