He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
