I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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