i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
