Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
