i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
