You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
this will be a night to untag.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
