I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
