theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
