I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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