i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
