I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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