You work out of a Hotel?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Come see our sink grown plant.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
