My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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