don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
