Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
