i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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