dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
