Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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