How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
