is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
