i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
