Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
