I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
