Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
